As we all know, the Labour Party has decided, as an organisation, to elect a fresh face who will put the New Labour years behind them, and take the party in a more social-democratic direction. Which mean mean only one thing: Yes folks, it's smear time!! (In other words: The following is a work of satire. Mainly inspired by the sort of shit that's been flung at President Obama. Hell, I voted for Ed myself.)
RED ED IN COMMUNIST PLOT HORROR
At the very end of Ed Miliband's Wikipedia entry it says:
"He was recently reunited with one of his family relatives in Moscow"(26)
ORDERS FROM MOSCOW
The ToryScumMailTimesBeeboMirroGraphoGuard can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that this so-called distant relative is in fact, Red Ed's KGB handler or something! Probably. (Or whatever the Russkie Commies have now, like the FSB or some shit) and that she was, in fact giving him his orders from RED COMMUNIST COMMIE PARTY RED CENTRAL, the centre of the Worldwide Communist Conspiracy to make everyone live in a Communist dictatorship!
We can FURTHER EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that this sultry Communist temptress had not only had the ear of Stalin himself, but was also a top Soviet spy during World War 2.
Our roving investigative reporter, Octavius Murdoch McScumbag, went to Moscow to question the alleged Miliband relative and Communist spy the tough questions, but was almost immediately harrassed by police on arrival outside her lavish State-provided apartment. Members of the Moscow militia were heard to exclaim "Oh my God! What's he doing to that old lady? STOP!!" (only in Russkie, natch) in a vain attempt to make our fearless crusader for truth look bad, before rugby tackling him to the ground and deporting him for breach of the peace. A clear Communist conspiracy to silence the free press.
On arrival back in Blighty, we phoned Ed Miliband and asked him if he was a Russian spy, at which he hung up. Crucially, he has never denied working for Moscow - which means that everything we're about to say about him is true!
Given this obvious connection to foreign paymasters and antique, Communist-era secret spies, can we trust Ed Miliband to run our country - or will he dismantle our defences as part of a long-held preperation for a rebadged, revamped new-style Soviet Union to invade Britain?
He says he favours an eventual "review" of the Trident deterrent - an obvious attempt to disarm us in the teeth of future Russian agression.
TIMETABLE TO DOOM
We at the ToryScumMailTimesBeebOMirroGraphOGuard have come up with a possible timetable for the worst-case-scenario should the unthinkable happen, and Labour win the next election:
1st April 2015: Ed Miliband is installed as Prime Minister by his Russian handlers
2000 hours, 2nd April 2015: He disarms Trident and phones Putin. Being kept on hold for five minutes gives us the shortest reprieve in history; as Putin is busy he puts Red Ed through to Dmitry Mevdevev and, after a few minutes of "Yes, Comrade, the capitalist dogs will rue the day!" type chatting, the nightmare begins. Ravens leave the Tower of London.
2015 hours, 2nd April 2015: Russian paratroopers descend on London like so many locusts. The long-awaited Soviet invasion of Britain begins.
2016 hours, 2nd April 2015: First paratroopers land in Buck House. Russian occupation begins. Queen commits suicide rather than fall into enemy hands.
The tragic consequences of an Ed Miliband premiership